How to Communicate with Toddlers: Build Trust & Skills While Reducing Performance Pressure

As parents, we are so proud when our children learn new things. When a child learns a new skill, we often ask them to perform that skill for us or for others.

“What color is this? How many are there? What shape do you see? What letter does this word start with?”... Do these questions sound familiar?

Colors, shapes, letters, and numbers are wonderful pre-academic skills that we all want our children to learn. They are easy to focus on because we know our children will be expected to master that information. But let’s think about what happens when we ask our children to perform.

Here is a conversation sample where the child is playing with blocks:

Parent: What color is this block? 

Child: Blue

Parent: What about this one?

Child Green

Parent: How many blocks are in your tower?

Child: Counts and then says, “three.”

Parent: Very good. What letter do you see?

Child: X!

In this scenario, there is only one possible correct answer, and the answer is always one word. The adult has directed the topic of conversation, and the child performed accordingly. The child is practicing answering questions, but no other form of communication (questioning, expressing joy, protesting, directing attention, showing, etc.) is required or encouraged. Although the parent has confirmed the child’s knowledge of a few topics, this type of interaction does not allow the child to initiate conversation, comment on their interests, and grow their language skills.

When communicating with toddlers, offer more comments and fewer questions.

Parents can encourage more child-directed, open-ended conversation by offering comments! Here’s how.

Observe what your child is looking at and doing. Give them some space to initiate communication (silence is okay!). If they communicate nonverbally, state what they might say if they were speaking. So if a child points to an object, label the object. If a child is struggling to open something and hands it to you, say or sign “help.” If the child laughs, say, “that’s funny.” If the child looks at you, say, ”I see you building that tower.” If the child doesn’t initiate communication, get things started by commenting on what they are looking at or what they are doing. Then leave some space again.

Let’s take a look at what happens when we comment:

Parent: Observes child’s play

Child: Puts one block on another. 

Parent: “You put the block on.”

Parent: More observation as the child keeps building

Child: Knocks over the tower

Parent: “You knocked it down.”

Child: Looks at parent, laughing

Parent: “That’s so silly!”

In this scenario, the child is leading the interaction and there are no parental expectations for how or what they will communicate. The child is hearing new words, including verbs like put and knock, the location words on and down, and the adjective silly. The child’s style of play is accepted and acknowledged with no expectations. The child feels safe, heard, and encouraged to continue communicating with their parents. Establishing this type of trust creates a foundation for language.

You can make comments during your daily routines, while playing, eating, diaper changes, bedtime, and even in the car. Over time, the child will show you what they know through their own comments.

Let’s take the performance pressure off our little ones and spend more time building relationships and communicating. It’s an easy shift that makes a big impact for the child and your relationship with them.